Keep going

Mon, 16 May 2005 02:43:14 GMT

Oh your brown eyes were hypnotic tonight. Your black hair was beautiful like your tone. Screw the poem. You are the best person ever. And its all in your eyes, to say I dont look at you in a perverted way. Holy crap you are beautiful. I dont think it will work because you are of mexican heritage and I am caucasion. God you are amazing. The funny thing is that you are the one that made me realize that not cursing is a really good thing. I find my self trying to impress you, and it just makes the pull stronger. I AM IN LOVE AND YOU CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT AND I THANK ONLY THE LORD!!!!

How do you marquee?

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 22:48:39 GMT

HOW do you marquee? Somebody tell me, please.

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 02:06:16 GMT

Ok I am in Monterrey right now and I am at Oscar´s house becaus this is where I am staying along with Arswhil
(pronounced r-Well). These past few days we have been passing out tracks and begging for money. And an extensive bible study. And awesome COMEDA (food). P.S. Jalapenos hurt when you go to the bathroom. We also went to see the biggest flag in the world. Then the day we begged for money we went to see this girl who was hit by a bus in the hospital. We have met some verry pretty girls and they are all very nice, except for Mira. It rules out here.

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 03:34:13 GMT

I am going to Mexico. Be back in a week.

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 00:34:32 GMT

Ok, tomorow we have our Beef Cattle test and our Vocab test and our Math test, and I dont know squat!!
I found out I could bench 250 yesterday not 275 as I thought I would be able to do. But I now weigh 210, so I am doing good.

Well, tonight Liz wants to go to a movie, but I dont have to because I have homework, so point for me.

I was thinking again, fate is the potentially bad and good things that we encounter through life. But we have a choice to make it a product of good or bad. Like a burgler robbing your house with you watching. You have the choice to get the gun and blow him away, or sit back and let him have control. But using your brain in the process would help too. I also thought of what love was and here is what I concluded:

Love is the involuntary care, or affection that one feels for an individual.

"I felt towards her what I felt for you, and the worst part is, I dont think she feels it."
I dont know what to do! I cant stop thinking!

Sat, 26 Feb 2005 04:44:59 GMT

Sorry Mr. Vella for dissapointing you.

Screw you Mr. Vaughn!

We just saw the incredibles, for Liz's Birthday, It was retarded.

The last tennis match was fun. I was doubled with Kris, or Chris, either way he was a little rusty. We ended because it was getting dark and it was seven to seven, and we were playing till one of us got to eight.

Do you still hurt, or is everything cool? It is here. Dont go popping ever again, a senior had a sezir and died because of a narcodic in her anti-deppresent. Jessica still reminds me of you so much. Anyways I am not trying to win you back, I just want to be cool, because you are fun to be around and a really good person too.

Well competition is tomorrow and I am not doing my solo, just the ensamble.

I don't believe destiny, or fate, is pre-determined. In fact, it depends on choice. The only thing in life that is pre-determined is, number one, Purpose. Because without purpose there would be no reason, or goal to which effort is put towards for an end result. That result is the Purpose for our lives that we will undobutifully fulfill. The second is death, the most certain thing in life. You choose your destiny, and your fate will be set, but your choices will depend on you, either way happiness, not pleasure, is your first objective in life.

Ok there is a bit of hard thought to consider, please comment.

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 03:18:35 GMT

Well today was a good day. Really good. I realized, or told rather, that I look from many different angles and I see more than others and I understand more than others, yet I am not understood myself. Not even I understand myself. I know what I do and why I do it, and yet I don't know why I feel it, or it comes in to my mind. But I know what I stand for, there's no doubt to that. I know the depth of hatred and anger, yet I don't understand their purpose.

Tell me does it hurt now?
Do you know me now?
The vail of innocence hiding your guilt.
Is gone to me now.
The pain, the guilt that is so bright in you eyes,
I once thought it was perfection.
Now I see the poison has killed you
The phenobarbital, has grabbed you.
You think death is the only way out,
Well for you, I would'nt doubt it.
You let the small things get to you
And the big things kill you.
Now I see what I had seen out of the corner of my eye,
What I wanted to forget when I looked away.
What I love no longer exists,
Possibly never lived and died.
I see now what I didn't want to believe
This fire burns black with jaded expectation, and this fire never burned!

Good memories left to me have saved my life, and yet the memories were never real...

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 03:56:40 GMT

Well I miss Billy, eventhough he yells at me and is very forward, I wish he was here. It is Valentines day and I got 4 cards in my locker and I threw them away because they had no name. I screwed up and I am sorry. I didnt mean what I said to be so mean, and hurtful. Either way I cant take any of it back, not now at least. So here it is, all of it:

I want to forget, I need to let go,
Not to hold on, Then will I know?
I am not understanding, tryong to cumpfort
your weary soul in no way.
I see you'r not trying to see,
wipe away all the cloudy mud.
Then will it all be clearer?
Or will I forget and let go?

I had forgotten how beautiful you truely are.
How your eyes still transfix me into awe.
I had forgotten how your hair hangs from your head and curls to your ears.
And how the gold in your hair still matches the gold in your blue eyes.
I have forgotten the fragrance of your hair
Like roses blooming in midspring to welcome midsummer's rain.
I have not forgotteen the first "I love you" you said to me.
Nor the first time my toes caught on fire at the mere thought of you.
I wish I could forget these feelings I still have for you,
the fire that burns in me, and I still thing of you each day.
This tear in my eye is just for you
And still you have forgotten me, left me to burn from the inside out.

This is not what I want to be.
Here is not where I belong.
I don't want this feeling to stay in me
Yet in this hollow bottle is where I stay, with these thoughts that arent my own.
Happiness is so far away
Yet love is still here?
Anger is where I am?
Is hate so near?
I am alone and weak
I can't stop thinking of the happiness I once had
I know I want, maybe I need
Something to hold onto or stand by next to me.

I heard you in the rain today
Mixed in my own tears
I say you in the clouds today
Soaring among the angels, where I always knew you to belong.
I senced you in the roses today
Where true beauty blooms, and always stays.

Give me your pain, your hurt, and your confusion.
I will set you free the unknown and unjust.
I will take the burdon from you back
And add it to my own pain and suffering
I will give you new hope
From my own paradice away from this barren wasteland
I will give you my all
And show you true happiness.
I will keep you near
And never leave you behind.
I will remain true to you
And never faulter.
I will never let you fall
I am your wall to lean on.
I need you, I can't live without you
You are my gift from God and my answer from prayer.
I will geve you everything you need
And anything you want.
I see your beauty
And your true self and I want it all
You are the perfection I see in this world
And your imperfections are the most pure and perfect of all, I am never dissapointed in you.
This is what it meant, and I still mean when I told you
I love you.

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 23:51:18 GMT

Welcome. Come in, be my guest. Sit, take off your coat and stay a while.
Would you like a drink? Wine, water, wiskey, a coke perhaps? As long as you are under my roof, this house is yours. Would you like to read, maybe? I have everything you can name, from Aristotle to Weisel.

Would you like to sleep on the finest Aryan silk? Dine with the finest gold?
Eat out of the finest Austrian crystal? Or perhaps none of this matters to you.
I doesnt matter to me.

Having the things everyone wants, and not what you want your self, that is what I have. I see the sun rise, but it is getting hot, unbarable now. I don't know what I want, I know what I had one, but I found what I had, it is different and better, but it is not what I needed.
I realize I have been looking for the wrong thing. Searching for the answer to a question I never asked. Wasted time, blood, sweat and tears, and wisdom gained through the tears. Strength gained, earned perhaps.

It's funny how things are over rated. Saught out so strongly, looking too hard for a feeling so good. How do we know if we are right? Time tells all, the story how it happened, the feeling how it feels, the sight how it really looks, and the light how it burns so bright. We look for this light through the darkness, through the despair we look for hope, and through the sadness we seek joy. We seek to be understood instead of understanding. And we looked for a way to be loved, instead of learning to love. Is this life? Is this the reasoning of purpose? We all fall asleep to get away, and to go into a dream of complete happiness. Soon we are running, never waking up to see it, to say that we need to go on. I was still running, never waking up to go on. When I woke-up I was exactly where I was when I went to sleep, and then I went on. I still have the jaded hope that it will still come back, that it is looking for me. But happiness is now sitting next to me, and walking beside me. Here I am running, running toward the sun, and catching up to the warmth for my cold, hard heart...

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 06:18:21 GMT

Well, I had a realization, my eyes are now open. If it werent for Billy and me being angry, then what has happened wouldnt have happened. If Billy didnt read, I would have still been talking to you. On last friday when I joined the tennis team, I did it because I didnt want to come home that day. I would not have had the talk with Joe and become a closer friend. I wouldnt have made friends with Cassie. On the following Tuesday, I would not have been at practice, meeting Heather. And on Wednsday I wouldnt have found out Joe was supposed to be going out with Heather. Or talking with Erin and Kaitie, thinking Erin wanted to hook me up with her, I think this was actually on Tuesday. Then on wednsday night, I wouldent have talked to Erin with empty hope that I wanted to be real. Then Thursday, something very interesting happened. I was practicing with Heather, practice is on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I said "Tennis is a sport of running." She asked what I was saying, and I said That I didnt know, what am I saying? And she said that she will tell me later. So at the end of practice I asked what I was saying. She asked if I was looking at her butt. I said no, I don't look at what is not mine. And I have another on my mind. And what hit me hardest is what she said next, "So, you aren't like other guys." I said, "No, I am not, I refuse to be because of the happiness I have once felt without that in my mind." Then if my computer hadent screwed up I wouldent have been given time to think and reflect, or began to trust to hope. Then today at the tennis match, I met a girl from Connaly her name is Nikki, she reminds me of you. Me and Blane slaughterd her and her team mate. Then me Mom and Billy along with Jason and Liz went to a mexican place. I wanted to go home and sleep, but Billy said no and that we were going to see a movie, I really didnt want to. If I had never had went to the movie, I would not have seen Nikki again, and then it hit me. If the things that I never wanted to happen diddent happen and actually turned out the way I wanted them to, I would still be in confusion. I now see that God is really on my side. He has given me such a wonderful gift, the gift of realization and wisdom gained. Nikki said that she really enjoyed the game of her being slaughtered, and meeting me.

I want to thank God first, of course.
Then I want to say to Billy, I am so sorry, I will be better, thank you for trying so hard.
Next to Erin for telling me I deserve happiness, without that thought I would have still been looking to hard for it, instead of waiting for it.
Then to Joe for being a friend
And Cassie for the latter
To Heather for telling me I am not likeother guys
And to Nikki for opening my eyes to happiness once again.

What have you done? I there a second heart beat in you? Did you make a choice you will regret? What is going on, WHY????? Am I just reading it wrong? Please tell me it isnt what I think it is. You know who you are, I am scared also, scared for you more then anything else.

I am scared of the pain I have caused you. Am I part to blame? I am sorry. The pills, do they really help? The drugs, are they really bliss? The alchol, does it truely erase? No, they dont, I know this now. The pain will always leave scars, but they are trophys if we learn from them.

I still have the hope I never lost.

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 00:42:02 GMT

Hey everybody. Ok I camt say how much I feel pity for Billy because he sees everything as a game in life. If I do I will not be able to use our computer any more. So I am not gonna say how he wants me to change me being funny and levy to being really consurvative and boring like him. And I will not mention that he threatened to send me back to Las Vegas to live with my really cool and fun loving dad when he knows that Mom wont let him, and that it was pointless to even say that. And further more that this morning he just pervolked me to be angry about not getting a folder because it was my fault that mom told me to get the wrong one. And he said the real reason I was in trouble is because after he said it was my fault, I began to raise my voice and that pissed him off. Then I said that he yells at mom and he said he wasnt and that he hadent in a month, when he did it this morning and last night because his girl who is 22 and married. So I am not allowed to bring those up, and dont tell him.

Today was first tennis practice and it was really fun. I got to meet one of the three BI girls from school, I dont think she is but everyone else says so. I think Elizabeth likes me, but she is a druggie and she smokes, so no. The ride home from Cassie was fur with Bona and the best part was when Cassie tried to run me over when I was getting out.

Ok well life still sucks and I would like to live at someone elses house.

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 00:42:55 GMT

Tennis rules! I just played tnis for the first time and I won. Of course it was with my mom.

Research paper is due tomorrow and I am not ready. But its ok, I am shure I wont be the only one who fails. But Mrs. Rogers is cool, and my sister hates her. But it is alright, she is completely different from me and I dont have to live with her any more, poor Jason. I hope you take this the way I didnt mean it to be taken.

You heard the Punisher soundtrack? It is really good. Well I have no more random thoughts. PICKLE WEASEL! Well coach had his baby and her name is Ellie, almost sounds like Allie? Its twerp week and it sucks, really it does. I wish I hadent said no now. Poor Sam, he is with Kim.

I dont know. I just dont see as far as I once did. Is this the consequence for looking too hard? The meadows burn from an arrow. Two fools run away and blame it on the wind. But the wind turns and burns them both.............. WOW that sucks.

I am just bland today, and I still cant concentrate. I have begun Plato. He is a lot better than Aristotle. What amazes me is Socrates. He said that the one thing I must first know is that I know nothing. Which means that we can only go as far as our mind reaches. But I really want to get in to Descates. Who was a scientist who was very theoreticle. But because of this Darwin had to come along and complete it.

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 04:52:07 GMT

People always drifting out of time, cannot hold on to nothing else.
Fingers bleed on the concrete wall, leaving only one man for someone to see.
Only one man screaming at me, so many fingers pointing at me.
Still looking at me, staring at me.
Blood thirsty in me, screaming at me.
The picture is all that I can see, everyone else is screaming at me.

Blood is spilling, flowing all out.
Dripping down to the dirt benieth me.
Darkness is overcoming me, leaving me nothing to breath.
Cold is the steel pushing at me, strangling all nothing to see.
The crimson red is coming toward me, screaming at me.
Leaving this fire burning in me.

Crimson blood begins to flow, pouring all out over the floor.
Leaving one spot that I can breath, so many fingers pointing at me.
Death is the only color I see, black is the color strangling me.
Linger inside boils in me, pain is the only thing compforting me.
Blue are your lips screaming at me, glazed are your eyes staring at me.
Limp are the fingers pointing at me, red is the wall falling on me.

What is death like?
Yellow an vanilla scented!

You want sex?
Me: No.
That is all boys want.
Me: Only the ingnorant ones.
Then what do you want?
Me: What do you want?
I want sex with you.
Me: I want hapiness with anyone who cares.
What do you mean, you dont want these?
Me: No. I told you already what I want.
Well I want you on top of me.
Me: Well I want happiness next to me!
Please!!!!
Me: No. I already told you once a long time ago. You arent the one that I want next to me!
Is there anything that I can do?
Me: Nothing at all can be done. Everything that happened, happened and couldnt have happend any other way.
How do you know?
Me: I am still alive.
And what does it matter without happiness?
Me: Feel that beat in you chest? That means time is still left, if ther was no beat, ther would be nomore love.
What does that have to do with happiness?
Me: Know love, know happiness. No love, no happiness.
Come and just kiss me.
Me: No, stop holding on and feeling me. Stop rubbing on me, and stop looking at me!
Fine your loss!
Me: No, I have already won. You are the one who still hasent won. I am sorry for ever looking at you.

What is left for me? What do I really need? What does time have left for me? Why cant I stay on me? Why is this happening to me? What is that face staring at me? Hollow and bare is the pride inside me.
What are those knives stabbing at me. What is keeping me free? Is this the fate meant for me? Or is this my fake memory? I have won, but from winning I lost. Loosing Im falling, landing next to me!

This is all I see. This is the end of me, of everything left to me!

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 05:22:19 GMT

Ok I cant think. I am feeling anger regret sorrow confusion and acomplishment all at once. AND ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am forgotten. Why are you hidding? Tell me straight and make it raw! Tell me the truth, and say whats in between the lines. Tell me what the hell you want! WHO WAS IT ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT? WHERE DOES HE LIVE? AND WHAT ARE HIS FEARS? I WILL RIP HIS EYES OUT FOR LOOKING AT YOU! AND FEED HIM HIS HANDS FOR TOUCHING YOU!

The Random Thoughts in My Heads

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 00:00:29 GMT

What the heck is that? Why did I try so hard? Oh it is a cow. Oh really? No Not Really! Wait yes really. But why now and not then? Possibly. Maybe so. No it will never be. The door is already shut and locked. The Key is now a pendant on your wall! Imperfections suck especially yours! I dont mean that. Does any one have any air-heads? I am addicted to them, I cant get enough. What are you doing here, I thought you left! Why cant I remember to forget? When is it due? What time? holy crap it just moved! Manson isnt that bad after all, wait yes he is. Hey wheres the beef! What day is it? Since August. But back in 2003, or 2002, I cant remember. Yes. No the hospital cant heal me! Alchol only burns. And smoke clears away. I run and never wake up, I fly and never leave the ground. Where did everybody go? Oh yea, you left. Maybe you should have never come? Maybe I should have just left. I cant forget. I have jaded hope to hold on to. What Is It All About? I dont know why.....how.....what happiness? I deserve it? How, I have forgotten it.

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 02:24:08 GMT

What is wrong with me? I finished my paper and I am home alone. The funny thing is I finally realized something. Maybe God puts people in your life to give you perspective and expirence. I was never depressed. I was just really tired and quiet. I realized that when I wasnt acting happy I made the people around me unhappy. And that made me feel bad. So I stopped. I have found that i am happiest when I am away from My house. And I am mostly at my house. If what happens is meant to be, then are the consiquences meant to be also? If there is one way to go perfectly then I am happy I am far away from that. I have one true friend, well 2, and the are very true to the end, and that is all I need. Why do I sound so stupid? I can go anywhere and I stay here. Here where I am, left in my room and...happy. Nothing I care about makes sense anymore. I cant believe I am angry. I dont like this feeling. I just wish I was given more slack and trusted more. I think whatever i do it is taken the wrong way and it stinks. My perspective on every thing has changed, and i dont feel right. I am afraid to move. I am afraid to ask what I need to. I wish now that I wasnt as rational as about all the things I wasnt prepaired for. Because I see now that they couldnt have turned out worse. I havent had fun for a long time, and I wish I could. I have been searching for wisdom for a long time and I havent gotten an answer yet. And I dont think I will. I still havent said what I wanted to yet.

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 22:37:09 GMT

Ha funny hampster. He is like a gerbal excepet like a mouse and a bird with contrabistic lookintall and alegoric bicombreack.

Are these real words?

I need help or redemption. or a new life because I am never alowed to go over to anyones house. EVER!!

Anger

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 01:00:45 GMT

I exploded on Billy today and we wnet to see brother Gimmy my pastor. He just said what I already knew and I really need to hear, but not what I wanted. I cant take any more cause I am always gonna get down to the floor and cry because there is nothing I can do. I wish happiness was closer now. I feel no pity towards Billy any more and only anger remains, ripping me apart. I just want to leave and go where there is only that which I can live in happiness. I feel myselfe letting go HELP ME PLEASE.........

For the first time I am depressed..........

Wonder

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 03:42:41 GMT

I wonder sometimes. I wonder how it is to really happy. Happiness is and alternet world perhaps. Or a wall put in front of us to blind us from the truth. No its not, it is the feeling you get when everything goes just the way you will have it. WAIT it never goes the way you want it. EVER!!!!!!!!

Why?

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 23:00:29 GMT

I can not hate you. But why do you do this? If you dont know what to change, change what you want to first, then you will know what you need to change. Only then will you be happy. You have ultimate control of your happiness. Only you can realize true happiness, I wish I could give it to you. I wish you would let me. You are my happiness, you are in all my thoughts, you are my inspiration... that I have lost. You dont want to do you. I dont know why I feel no anger nor hate. Only sorrow.

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 22:33:16 GMT

Perhaps losing something you really care about is a lesson learned. I should give up but I cant. This is the best thing I ever had. I cant stop, I wont this is just a bump in the road of life. No, I am making my own path, that is why it is so hard! People are asking me if i am contemplating suicide. Why would I comit suicide? Death is too final to bring apon your self. That is up to the flow of time. Living is a gift, a chance. Maybe second chance is in the ones who love you. Life is on. I notice now the choices I made really didnt matter. If I had went with my first impulse it couldnt have come out worse. I was blamed today for stealing 60 dollars. I would never steal! I am blessed eknough.

This sucks, the wedding is tomorrow, DAMN YOU LIZ!

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 03:05:15 GMT

I am really starting to hate Billy now. Since Monday people have been asking if I was depressed. I don't think I am. But I feel abandoned by my stepfather (Billy) because he does nothing but yell at me, and so does Liz. I realized that philosophy is very real and helpful. Choice is what separates freewill from fate. But if we have fate then what is freewill? Is freewill the choices that we make? Or is freewill figuring out why we made those choices, because fate already condemns us to the choices? I realized that we can see what comes next through the choices that we make and perhaps alter our fate and control whats next. Well I suppose I have already lost you so bye.

I don't not like you

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 03:28:31 GMT

Hey this is new to me and who all checks this?